Finally had a short break from work. It was 13 days long and I would consider it short as I used to take 3 entire weeks off work, to force myself to just put aside my work and really rest. This time round, had a stressful event at work and was feeling the heat prior to going on leave. It didn't really help that I had to cancel 2 afternoon leaves in order to tackle the stressful event. Can't say that it is over, so I am just hanging in there.
My uncle's death prompted me to reweigh my priorities in life and reevaluate my relationships.
Do we really want to place priority in something which we cannot bring into our coffin and after-life? Do others remember how hard we worked to complete reports or how many hours of OT we did, or do they actually remember what difference you made to their lives, what values you uphold, and what kind of a positive influence you are on earth?
During crisis, there were certain reactions from people which didn't sit well with me and made me wonder about the value of my relationship with them, and how much they actually value our relationships. There were also people who allowed me to see a different side of them and who supported me through my tears and pain.
I wasn't looking for something impressive in the support that I hope for. I just hope for people to sit next to me, or listen to my thoughts and feelings, or allow me to articulate the intentions of some of my behaviours before they start to assume.
It is alright to be in a loss for words, but just not ask me not to cry and not to be sad (these are feelings, and I am but a human, how can I not be sad when there is death in my family?) Don't need to tell me you don't know how to respond to me and just keep quiet thereafter- how do you expect me to respond to that? Show understanding or ask questions to probe further? No need any advice, no need any quotes.
Just be with me. Hand me a cup of warm water or tissues when I need them. Getting me to go eat a meal counts too, but please don't push me to celebrate any happy occasions- I am just not in the mood now.
As I am mourning and would not want to celebrate joyous occasions or attend all gatherings, it does not mean that I don't appreciate people remembering important dates and sending well wishes. No need anything grand- a simple message or card does wonders. At times, I feel forgotten.
Maybe with the increasing responsibilities and demands of each person's life, being present for everyone is not possible. And if you have weighed your priorities, do know that I have mine too.
Ending my post with a meaningful quote I found from my friend's facebook page: "if we tend to the things that are important in life, when it's time, our goodbyes will be complete."
I guess my goodbye with uncle wasn't exactly complete, and maybe it is life for things to be imperfect. But I want to lead a life with no regrets and put in my best to make a difference to this world with my character, values and actions. I want to remember who supported me through my low points and be of valuable support when they need me too. I want to try to do good even to those who unintentionally hurt me during this tough period of time, because I believe in "Do to others as you would have them do to you."
The keyword is "try" as I am human afterall and I have my imperfections, feelings, biases.
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