Fear of Death.

Originally wanted to shelve whatever I experienced today, but decided to share it after I read one of my friend's blog.

My heart ached terribly today as I went to visit one of my old neighbours. She was once a tall and strong lady with curly short hair. Last year, I visited her also (I think around CNY period). This year, I went back with my mum again and found her to become very very skinny--like what my mum said, left with only bones.

Her physique was heartwrenching to see- her skinny body lied on the sofa... her legs are too weak to move... She can no longer speak properly. I could only catch a few words here and there. And even if she's muttering words, they are muttered with much difficulty. She no longer recognises my mum, whom she used to love to talk to.

The only heartening thing about her is that she's not being left in an elderly home and that her daughters employed a maid to take care of her.

I touched her hand, sat beside her, smiled and nodded as she muttered words which I cannot understand totally. I did not want her to feel insignificant.

When we left, mum told me that she wanted very much to visit her, yet at the same time she did not want to visit her because she could not stand the sight of a person with a deteriorating physique and health. Other than 'heartwrenching', I have no idea what other words I can use to describe how I felt.

I understand that 生老病死 is a natural process in life, but I've an ultimate fear of experiencing deaths. Firstly I do not want to die yet because I still have a lot of desires unfulfilled and a lot of dreams unrealized. Secondly, I do not think I have the ability to take deaths of loved ones easily. Last year, I dreamt of death of a loved one. I was crying like hell in my dream and my heart ached a hell lot even after I woke up.

And of course, I understand that humans should always treasure each day and treasure the people around them, but can we ever treasure enough? Also, it is always said that we should take things at our stride, but how easy is that going to be?

When my grandma passed away, I was only 16 years old. I was immature then-throwing tantrums as and when I like, and I never spent quality time with her. Just now, mum was telling me how grandma's health deteriorated . It was fast, such that the people around her are relieved for her.

I guess I could take her death so easily because I did not experience the dying process together with her. (So easily, meaning I did not cry like hell and mourned about the death for a long period of time.) I only spent half a day with her weekly on an obligatory basis (mum will bring us to grandma's house) and when I received a call from my mum saying that grandma had passed away, I just woke up and was in a blur state of mind.

Thinking back, I took her deteriorating health for granted, thinking that she would recover somehow, but she didn't. I could have spent more time with her but I didn't, because at that point of time, I think that studies are more important. Now that's crap. What's so good about a certificate when family ties are the most important of all? Her funeral marked the first time I see my uncle breaking down. My mum cried till her body was weak. I can never find ways to comfort them.

And as I typed all of the above, my tears are falling. Fear. Regret.
I really really hate to experience anything near to the process of dying.
And I really hate it when there are people who think that their loved ones have plenty of lifetime left such that they can waste all the precious time that they could have actually spent on them. Shame on YOU.